'I must be an acrobat, to talk like this and act like that...' -Actung Baby,U2
I am Jacob Bailey. I have been writing here for a while now. I am 27 years old, on the brink of moving to Spain. I love my wife and two beautiful children. Glad you stopped by - please let me know you were here by posting a comment.
leading with QUESTIONS
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
just one more entry
this journal now co-exists with a new one for Tania and I (found here or linked on the right). I don't know how I feel about keeping two spinning...this one is not "open." I say that regretfully...yes I am still hiding myself from some people. Why do I enjoy this relatively "safe" space...I don't know. It isn't right though. I long for the day when I can let the chaos of who i am unfold freely among all who I have relationships with...that's a day i have not chosen yet.
It's funny because it is and was rather difficult to keep the worlds apart - to keep the two blogs separate. I have this lingering fear that I will be "found out." Isn't that childish? But it's true...self protection I am realizing is one of the enemies of my soul. It is one place where I routinely chose to love myself more than others and love myself more than Christ....and Here I am spelling it out clear as day. Wow.
Last night I was haunted in my dreams by this video of the Tsunami that I downloaded (for real I have it saved on my hard drive). Even right up to this present moment I am hesitant to re-view it. Somehow my subconscios took control and filled in details and replayed the scene in my mind over and over and I couldn't escape. It was hell. Not because I was scared of the water but because I had to see the horror over and over and live it over and over. It was freaky. I am still pretty shaken by it.
Here's a link the one that got me if you dare or try this one if that doesn't work
Comments:
I know exactly how you feel about hiding yourself from others. Its funny how we give certain people permission to see the "real me" and others we hold at arms length. I guess it's probably that we don't think we'll be accepted. It is cool to come to the place where you let the real you leak out come what may. I too want to be there. It's worse in the church of all places. Seems like we should be able to say anything as a Christian and still be loved. The problem is that fellow Christians will shoot you with their doctrine gun if you're honest with them. And who wants to be shot?
I feel you homey! taking bullets is not my game...but that was Jesus' in a way. this begs the question how much do you take, and how long can one man be target until he breaks.
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